Self-Eval - Arrogant Bastard

It's that time of year at my day-job for Annual Performance Evaluations (APEs) which includes Self-Apprasials. These things are kind of like a resume for a job you already have, and are hoping to keep, possibly even get a raise in pay along the way. So, obviously, you highlight the good parts and ignore your bad in the hopes that your supervisor is either convinced by this narrative of the past year's hard work, or at the very least, is too lazy to write his own evaluation. In this case he might just copy your self-eval into his own evaluation of your performance; a win win situation.

My problem with writing this self-appraisal, is that it goes against most peoples sense or modesty. Your are forced to self promote and it makes you feel arrogant and cocky. For some people this isn't a problem. For me it's difficult, though my ex-wife might disagree.

Now for those of you who want to be brutally honest, I have written an example self-appraisal:

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PART 1. PERFORMANCE APPRAISAL A. Employee Self-Appraisal Form For each evaluation factor, provide a response in the comments section. Describe and evaluate your overall performance and/or achievements for this review period. Please provide specific work-related examples that document your assessment. Comments or performance examples: I have been very effective over the past year at criticizing other employee’s research and development. By pointing out possible flaws using abnormal logic and as little factual information as possible, I have been able to appear very knowledgeable without the need to suggest any alternative solutions. I am currently involved in an effort to publish a work entitled, “Self promotion through Nay-Saying and Defeatism.” My previous publications include, “The Effective Use of Complex Words in Academia and Industry to Confuse the Competition” and the somewhat less scholarly, “How to Get Ahead at the Expense of Co-workers” Review of Last Years Goals and Objectives Objective Result Improve job avoidance skills I have become a master of walking fast with a stern look to give the appearance of concern and a sense of urgency. Also, created official looking labels for empty boxes, which I can carry through the halls at irregular intervals. Study the art of “pencil whipping” Developed system of using copies of 2 year old self evaluations to reduce time evaluating my performance. (i.e. next year the supervisor you will receive a copy of last years self-eval) Implement Project Management Successfully manipulated co-works into taking on assignments for which I take credit Organization Skills Concluded that disorganization and a cluttered desktop, gives the impression that an employee has taken far too many projects but still has the ability to cope and succeed. Add additional lines if needed. 2. Describe the most difficult part of your job and the steps necessary to overcome or improve. Comments or performance examples: Not enough time for Ebay™ and online shopping. Resolve to spend at least 1 hour at the start of the day, 1 hour at the end of the day, and 1 hour before and after lunch browsing through “Auctions Ending Soon” Organize the remaining time to include a combination of reading personal email, and browsing through news web sites with the occasional visit to sites of questionable moral value. Use spreadsheet to prioritize shopping options while looking busy 3. Describe what your supervisor can do to assist you in completing your current duties and responsibilities more effectively and efficiently. Comments or performance examples: Reduce face to face meetings, sending all communications via email. This will allow me to do my “work” remotely, in some case with out the need to even get dressed. In those cases where I can find Wifi access at a local pub, dressing will become necessary. 4. Describe specific goals you want to accomplish during the next review period and, if applicable, explain how your supervisor can assist you in reaching these goals: Comments or performance examples: In the following year I hope to safe guard any information critical to the functioning of our operation. To achieve this goal, I will prevent co-workers from learning the proper operation of critical tools and equipment and providing incorrect information when they appear to be learning on their own. I will keep co-workers busy defending their own ideas and projects against criticisms to prevent them the opportunity to learn my job, thus maintaining my job status as irreplaceable. Copyright 2007 Southward Tack Publishing

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