The Phoenix

Like the mythical fire bird, the Phoenix, I rise, reborn from the ashes to become greater than before. 

I write this at sea aboard the research ship, JOIDES Resolution. I hope to get to more life at sea type posting, but I thought I would catch you up to speed on my life since I last posted from sea. I'm already half way through this expedition and this is my first post, so I apologize. I'll try to do better. I guess you get what you pay for.

A lot has happened since I last blogged from sea; divorce,death, birth, marriage and even threats of a tell all book, as if I were some former steroid using athlete with a gambling problem and a host of other addictions. I have done a lot of stupid things in my time, but no real drugs or dog fights and only an occasional small bet on a football game or poker night at the neighbors house. Still a lot of bad and a lot of good and quite a bit of bad that lead to good things, happened to me and around me in little over a years time since writing about working at sea. I don't mean to sound pious, quoting scripture, but I know it helps to pull me back to center, when I get off kilter, if I read a little from the good book. In the end  this verse helped me through a lot of the crap I would go through:

"... we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." -- Romans 8:28

 I've stumbled and staggered and strayed often from the path, but I will continue to at least try to find my way back. I may be rough around the edges and I may like to hang out in questionable establishments with sometimes questionable people. I often lose my temper, and I generally know when I'm wrong, though it takes me some time, sometimes to admit it to myself. I'm not a hypocrite, I just fall short like everyone else. I am a believer in Jesus Christ. I don't know that I could have made it through these hard times without believing and it turned out much better than I could have imagined in the end.

If you read my previous blog  "I don't Love the Ocean, I love the Coast",originally posted a little over a year ago, you know I work at sea from time to time for up to two months per stint. I ended that series of postings, sometime in the middle of the 60 days, somewhere near the equator in the South Pacific, probably at a point in the expedition, when I became depressed enough at being out there to not care about updates to the outside world. It's a big ship, but it gets smaller over time. People start to annoy you more than they do on shore where you can get away from them for a while. At the end of your shift you can't go home to the comfort of your loved ones, or the sanctity of your own home. The best you can do is try to find privacy in your small stateroom, while your roommate is out on shift. Levels can get on up there on the stress scale. The same scenery of open ocean and clouds everyday, at times I start to hope for a little bit of a storm just to see a change. Then again there is the rolling of the ship from side to side that makes sleeping difficult. Even if you do sleep through the night you may wake up feeling tired from instinctively attempting to keep yourself from rolling from your bunk. Towards the end of the expedition all the fresh fruit and vegetable are gone, and other food items are in short supply or not available. Just a few reasons why I might get a little cranky before the end of the 60 days and some of the reasons I long to get off this ship.Of course there is great rejoicing and celebration in town the first night in port at the end of an expedition and Hawaii was no different.

During the port call prior to leaving Hawaii, I had become quite comfortable at a place call the Irish Rose near Waikiki in Honolulu and of course that's right where I headed upon return. I proceeded to spend a good chunk of my sea pay, including buying "a round of Jagers for the boys at the bar." To say the least it was a long night out, early morning up and long flight home. Little did I know, that this was only the beginning of a long journey.

The next morning, before I could shake off the haze from the night before, my wife of 22 years told me that she had filed for divorce 5 days before.  I was devastated, caught completely off guard. My first instinct was to do anything to change her mind. I didn't want to tell our three teenagers what was happening, but there was no avoiding it in my emotional state. After one night home in my own bed, I was relegated to an air mattress on the living room floor. Another week would pass and I had my own room in the converted garage. All the while trying everything to stop this insanity.

When divorce is eminent, it ceases to be an emotional relationship and becomes strictly business. I am not a believer in divorce generally and spiritually I believe it is wrong except in rare cases. This is why I didn't see it as a business relationship at that point. I don't want to go into too many details, but lets just say I should have realized the divorce was going to happen and I should have taken precautions to protect myself and my family. Hiring my own lawyer would have been a good start. When I did come around to the fact that this marriage was really over, I changed bank accounts, found a place to live and a place to sleep. A good friend gave me a room, rent free, and I lived at Duddley's Draw on Northgate. Even with no rent, this arrangement took a toll on me financially and emotionally. But it pushed me more into my music, as well. I starting writing a lot more, started finding a lot more gigs to play and getting more serious about actually making money at this thing. But there was a big hole in my soul.

Something happened almost to the day of the date that my divorce was scheduled to be finalized. It made me wonder if this wasn't God's plan all along. I met Amy. She was nothing like what I was looking for and everything like I wanted and needed. This new relationship made me see how good a relationship could be. I had gotten used to a bad relationship, over the years like a frog in slowly heated water. I didn't realize I was boiling until it was too late.


It's taking time to heal old wounds and leave the past behind, but I couldn't be happier in my new life. Well maybe a winning lottery ticket, but I can live without that too as long as I have Amy. She is an incredible woman, incredible mother and an incredible wife. We got married in February at the "Bar at Hullabaloo" during one of my shows. We didn't tell anyone except the preacher, what was going to happen, and I have to say it was a great ceremony. I can't promise a marriage at all my shows, but it just goes to show you, you never know what you might miss at a Dean Ferrell show. I can tell you you'll never see me get married again, but just maybe at a live music venue near you, a renewal of vows for our anniversary.